Sarah Polley and SpongeBob Squarepants

The day Luis brought Sarah and Ready home was a tense one, o.k.! I mean here I've been in my new home for no more than a couple of months when all of the sudden Luis and Dani walk in the door with a couple of Africans. These guys were attention getters from day one. The dude was chirping and saying things in some funny accent- whistling and squeaking like a puppy squeaky toy. The dudette was silent as a new born lamb. The only way you could tell she was even in the pet carrier was by her (yes, I'll admit it) beautiful yellow crest that shown through the slits of the pet carrier like the June savannah sun. The dude was feisty too. Boy, he abhorred being in that melmac torture chamber. He nibbled and bit at the carrier as though to divest it of all structure and essence. He sure was tenacious and vigorous - mighty like and ferocious lion facing a hyena on the Serengeti. Luis seemed tense too. Dani had that look that says, “Man, what did I just open up here?”. There was so much commotion and excitement.

First thing they did was pluck the dudette out of the carrier to clip her flight feathers. There was a horrendous flutter and squeaking clamor. It sounded like total confusion and distress. Out she came nibbling hard at the towel. Yeah, she was tamed as a chick. As tame as a warthog, I assure you. Off they came- snip, snip. Then off to the cage she went- dashing quick to the farthest end so as to save herself from those menacing stainless steel chompers. Then the dude appeared. Man alive, I have never seen a dude so naked. Must be real hot in Africa because this fellow was wearing nothing but Bermuda shorts and a yellow beret. Tacky... He looked like a mess. Luis turned him over for the one-two inspection and noted that clipping this fellow would not be necessary. Off he went onto the cage to join his girlfriend. They huddled close and stiff staring out with eyes as big as pie plates. Boy, they were shaken up. And they call me a "quaker". Hah!

Luis beamed with joy. Apprehensive joy, sure, but who wouldn’t be with new roommates such as these two? Dani had that look that says, “Man, what did I just open up here?”.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” she said- like when you think you are in for it and asked for it, you know what I mean?
“What are you going to name them,” she asked.
“Don’t know. Wait, I’ve got it. The girl’s name is Sarah.”

You’ll never guess what was on the tele just then? “Joe's So Mean to Josephine” starring Canada’s own, Sarah Polley, was on CBC. Big surprise. I’m sure Miss Polley would appreciate the tacky nature of that compliment in one of her other seven manifestations across this multi-dimensional persistance we call life. Luis is so tacky...

“O.k. (read: good one, loser). And the boy?”
“Ready,” he says. “After SpongeBob’s motto - I’m ready!”
“Why that?”
“Cause he’s ‘ready’ to bite you, of course.”

Up until that day, Ready and Sarah had belonged to a local Edmonton bird breeder. Luis had gotten wind through the grape vine that a breeder was looking to give away a couple of Meyer’s parrots for free to any takers. Luis was jumping and dancing in his pants, if you could imagine Luis ever jumping and dancing all at the same time. Actually, he was outwardly quite calm about it. The only indication of his excitement was a steadfast resolution that without hesitation he could pick the birds up that very afternoon, right after work. At the time he was working at TIFFANY’S ON WHYTE selling among other things birds and bird supplies. It was Gary, the shop owner and eccentric world traveller, that sprung the news about the Africans to Luis. Gary is acquainted with many of the local bird breeders as he has been in the business of birds and all things related since the early eighties. The breeder wanted to dump these birds with some urgency. All Gary could tell was that they were Meyer’s and free.

Well it turns out that Ready has a bit of a megalomania complex. This includes a heightened sense of territorialism, and acute need for attention and a hardy appetite for nibbling on goodies of all sorts. Not to get into details but his territorialism had caused a few sore feet (that’s putting it in “Rated: PG” terms) among some of the birds in the aviary where he was living. The breeder was quite upset about it all and wanted nothing more than to see them go back to Africa. Well, they ended up in the jungles of Millwoods and that’s as close to Africa as they will ever get. I doubt that the Kenyan government, for instance, wants Ready anywhere near its frontiers, let alone pouncing about in its populace.

Ready and Sarah live in Luis’ office. There, they are far from the Salazar Manor aviary and well out of the worse kind of troublem- biting other birds. Ready is still territorial although a real sucker for Luis’ attention. Sarah is true to the nature of the average Meyer’s parrot: bashful and suspicious of strangers. Ready’s problems are worse than Sarah’s. He has classical Displacement Disorder. Displacement Disorder is what sometimes happens when a “wild” critter is removed from its natural environment and forced to cope with alien beings and stressful circumstances. I’ll talk about those in another article.

Until then, “step up!”.